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Problem solving - 3 step guide
Don't let problems tear you apart. Learn from them and use the solution process to help you
create an even more intimate and satisfying marriage. While relationship problems are varied and
complex, we believe that most relationship problems are by-products of ineffective or
counterproductive communication within the relationship. Improved problem solving starts with
improved communication that is then enhanced with problem solving skills. We recommend that
you use the following steps to improve your problem solving abilities.
1. MAKE COMMUNICATION PART OF THE SOLUTION:
Good methods of communication are the best preventative you can have as a couple to keep the
inevitable problems from interfering with your marriage. When problems do arise, seek
understanding first. Marital research shows that about 80% of problems don't even have to be
solved when the couple talks through the issues and reaches mutual understanding. Only the most
difficult problems will require the use of problem solving methods. Even then, understanding is
vital. Beneficial communication methods include the following:
a. Start the discussion in a positive way. Most discussions end in the same positive or
negative manner that they are started. Choose to make a positive start by speaking for yourself
and not pointing the finger at your partner. Phrase the problems as questions to invite solutions
and cooperation. If you are having problems talking, use written notes to communicate until you
can talk.
b. Use questions to invite solution to the problem. For example, say "What can we do
together to solve this problem?" or "In what ways might we solve this problem?" Questions like
these can be a positive way to start, and a productive way to continue the discussion.
c. Employ active listening skills during your everyday conversations. It's a good idea to
practice paraphrasing, mirroring, and other active listening skills when there isn't any stress
because otherwise they may get lost when you're under pressure.
d. Use time-out's to cool off if the pressure gets to be too much to stay positive. Remember
that whoever calls the time-out must set a time to continue the discussion. You don't want to start
a pursuit - withdrawal cycle.
e. Treat each other with respect and kindness at all times. This is especially important when
problems raise emotions. It will be easier to maintain kindness and respect when you are well
practiced.
f. Reduce your stress and learn how to get beyond your money problems.
2. CHANGE - - GET OFF THE MERRY GO ROUND:
If you find that you and your partner are going around and around on the same problem without
solution, it’s time to get off the merry go round. In breaking this endless cycle of complaint and
cross-complaint, you will be taking the first step toward reaching a solution that is acceptable to
both of you. The decision to change, to do something different allows you to take a new path.
You may start by stating your concern in the form of a positive question such as, "What can we
both do differently to solve this problem so it doesn't continue to be an issue for us?"
3. USE THESE METHODS FOR SUCCESSFUL PROBLEM SOLVING:
• Agree to partner and work as a team on the solution: Make a commitment to each other to
be on the same team rather than opposing each other. When you work together and play by the
same rules, you have a real chance of finding new and better solutions to your problems.
• Keep the problem the problem: One critical rule is that you state the problem in terms of
how it impacts you. If you feel a particular way as a result of what the other person may be doing,
the problem is that you feel a particular way. For example, say "(wife) I feel lonely when you
(husband) are not home at night," instead of saying, "You are never home and that makes me
think you don’t love me." There is no room in effective problem solving for blame, name-calling,
bad history lessons or other negative behaviors that are typical of arguments. Problem solving is
not an argument.
• Work on one problem at a time. It’s important that you both agree to focus on one
problem at a time. It becomes confusing when multiple issues are raised. Pick one issue and stick
to it even if you have to remind each other to stay on that one subject. Stay with the one problem
until you’ve reached an understanding or solution.
• Understand the problem: Quite often, what first appears to be the problem is only a part of
the problem. It may be a symptom of a different problem that is not immediately obvious.
Reaching understanding of the problem requires that you communicate with a joint desire to
understand what the problem is. It does not require that you agree on any solutions at this time. It
is, in fact, important that you agree to defer your opinions, reactions, and proposed solutions
while you’re seeking understanding. Save your judgment for later when you are evaluating
problem statements, ideas or options that you have created together. Understanding the problem
can be simplified by doing the following:
o Write down any descriptions of the problem that you can think of.
o Describe the problem in terms of what positive outcome you would like to have. It’s
helpful to state the problem as a question. For example, state "How might I not feel lonely in the
evenings?" or "Wouldn’t it be nice if we could be together more often on weeknights?" Review
these and select the one that best describes the situation. Then go on to the next step.
o A simple starting point for understanding is to gather information about what you have
stated the problem to be. List the facts, feelings and other data that are associated with the
problem. For example, "You have to work a lot of overtime. I stay home on weeknights. We're
both tired after work."
o Review the information in light of the problem that you have described earlier. Now restate
the problem in a way that most clearly describes the situation. To continue our example, "How
might we arrange our schedules so that I don't feel lonesome on weeknights?"
• Find solutions together: This is the stage where you work together as a team to create a
new future. Use the problem statement (question) from the above step as the focus for all of the
activities at this stage. Again, focus on the problem.
• Develop ideas for possible solutions. The technique of brainstorming has been found to be
very effective in creating many possible choices. Brainstorming is the process of thinking of and
writing down all the ideas that come to mind without judging them. The guidelines for
brainstorming are:
o Reserve judgment. Do not judge any ideas in any way - good or bad.
o Strive for quantity. More ideas give a better chance for one good idea.
o Freewheel. Include every idea no matter how strange or silly it might seem.
o Look for combinations. Try to create new ideas from the ones that are listed.
In the example about loneliness, some brainstorming ideas might include the following: "Get a new
apartment closer to work so there is less time commuting. Husband gets a new job. Wife changes
work shift to match husband’s schedule. Couple makes dates." There are many more possible
solutions.
o Evaluate the ideas carefully. Once you have created a list of ideas, pick the top few that
appeal to each of you. If an acceptable solution is obvious, go on to the next step. If the voting is
not that easy, write down the advantages and limitations of each of these ideas, discuss them in a
positive way and then select one or more to try out. For example, neither husband nor wife
wanted to move or get new jobs but they realized that they could plan their time better to be
together more often so they agreed to the following solution. The wife agreed to adjust her
schedule to do more of her weekend work on Monday and Wednesday evenings while her
husband worked late and he agreed to work late only on those evenings when it was possible.
They both agreed to go out on a date at least once a week even if it was just to get a hamburger.
Loneliness was no longer an issue.
o Plan for success. Our example couple made a schedule and agreed to call each other at
work if they had to change it. If a change was needed, they made up for lost time later. This
avoids disappointment.
o Recommended reading "We Can Work It Out" by Clifford Notarius
PROBLEM SOLVING SUMMARY:
You don't have to let problems run your life. You can take control. See our article on Conflict.
The determined pursuit of understanding will make most problems go away and you can solve the
rest when you take a team approach to solving them together in a positive way. Keep the
problem the problem and keep your relationship a priority. Problems can be an opportunity to
learn and grow together. Talk with each other, learn and grow, and use effective problem solving
methods with a positive, productive approach to life's challenges. This will keep your loving
relationship alive and happy with mutual honesty, kindness, and respect.
Don't let problems tear you apart. Learn from them and use the solution process to help you
create an even more intimate and satisfying marriage. While relationship problems are varied and
complex, we believe that most relationship problems are by-products of ineffective or
counterproductive communication within the relationship. Improved problem solving starts with
improved communication that is then enhanced with problem solving skills. We recommend that
you use the following steps to improve your problem solving abilities.
1. MAKE COMMUNICATION PART OF THE SOLUTION:
Good methods of communication are the best preventative you can have as a couple to keep the
inevitable problems from interfering with your marriage. When problems do arise, seek
understanding first. Marital research shows that about 80% of problems don't even have to be
solved when the couple talks through the issues and reaches mutual understanding. Only the most
difficult problems will require the use of problem solving methods. Even then, understanding is
vital. Beneficial communication methods include the following:
a. Start the discussion in a positive way. Most discussions end in the same positive or
negative manner that they are started. Choose to make a positive start by speaking for yourself
and not pointing the finger at your partner. Phrase the problems as questions to invite solutions
and cooperation. If you are having problems talking, use written notes to communicate until you
can talk.
b. Use questions to invite solution to the problem. For example, say "What can we do
together to solve this problem?" or "In what ways might we solve this problem?" Questions like
these can be a positive way to start, and a productive way to continue the discussion.
c. Employ active listening skills during your everyday conversations. It's a good idea to
practice paraphrasing, mirroring, and other active listening skills when there isn't any stress
because otherwise they may get lost when you're under pressure.
d. Use time-out's to cool off if the pressure gets to be too much to stay positive. Remember
that whoever calls the time-out must set a time to continue the discussion. You don't want to start
a pursuit - withdrawal cycle.
e. Treat each other with respect and kindness at all times. This is especially important when
problems raise emotions. It will be easier to maintain kindness and respect when you are well
practiced.
f. Reduce your stress and learn how to get beyond your money problems.
2. CHANGE - - GET OFF THE MERRY GO ROUND:
If you find that you and your partner are going around and around on the same problem without
solution, it’s time to get off the merry go round. In breaking this endless cycle of complaint and
cross-complaint, you will be taking the first step toward reaching a solution that is acceptable to
both of you. The decision to change, to do something different allows you to take a new path.
You may start by stating your concern in the form of a positive question such as, "What can we
both do differently to solve this problem so it doesn't continue to be an issue for us?"
3. USE THESE METHODS FOR SUCCESSFUL PROBLEM SOLVING:
• Agree to partner and work as a team on the solution: Make a commitment to each other to
be on the same team rather than opposing each other. When you work together and play by the
same rules, you have a real chance of finding new and better solutions to your problems.
• Keep the problem the problem: One critical rule is that you state the problem in terms of
how it impacts you. If you feel a particular way as a result of what the other person may be doing,
the problem is that you feel a particular way. For example, say "(wife) I feel lonely when you
(husband) are not home at night," instead of saying, "You are never home and that makes me
think you don’t love me." There is no room in effective problem solving for blame, name-calling,
bad history lessons or other negative behaviors that are typical of arguments. Problem solving is
not an argument.
• Work on one problem at a time. It’s important that you both agree to focus on one
problem at a time. It becomes confusing when multiple issues are raised. Pick one issue and stick
to it even if you have to remind each other to stay on that one subject. Stay with the one problem
until you’ve reached an understanding or solution.
• Understand the problem: Quite often, what first appears to be the problem is only a part of
the problem. It may be a symptom of a different problem that is not immediately obvious.
Reaching understanding of the problem requires that you communicate with a joint desire to
understand what the problem is. It does not require that you agree on any solutions at this time. It
is, in fact, important that you agree to defer your opinions, reactions, and proposed solutions
while you’re seeking understanding. Save your judgment for later when you are evaluating
problem statements, ideas or options that you have created together. Understanding the problem
can be simplified by doing the following:
o Write down any descriptions of the problem that you can think of.
o Describe the problem in terms of what positive outcome you would like to have. It’s
helpful to state the problem as a question. For example, state "How might I not feel lonely in the
evenings?" or "Wouldn’t it be nice if we could be together more often on weeknights?" Review
these and select the one that best describes the situation. Then go on to the next step.
o A simple starting point for understanding is to gather information about what you have
stated the problem to be. List the facts, feelings and other data that are associated with the
problem. For example, "You have to work a lot of overtime. I stay home on weeknights. We're
both tired after work."
o Review the information in light of the problem that you have described earlier. Now restate
the problem in a way that most clearly describes the situation. To continue our example, "How
might we arrange our schedules so that I don't feel lonesome on weeknights?"
• Find solutions together: This is the stage where you work together as a team to create a
new future. Use the problem statement (question) from the above step as the focus for all of the
activities at this stage. Again, focus on the problem.
• Develop ideas for possible solutions. The technique of brainstorming has been found to be
very effective in creating many possible choices. Brainstorming is the process of thinking of and
writing down all the ideas that come to mind without judging them. The guidelines for
brainstorming are:
o Reserve judgment. Do not judge any ideas in any way - good or bad.
o Strive for quantity. More ideas give a better chance for one good idea.
o Freewheel. Include every idea no matter how strange or silly it might seem.
o Look for combinations. Try to create new ideas from the ones that are listed.
In the example about loneliness, some brainstorming ideas might include the following: "Get a new
apartment closer to work so there is less time commuting. Husband gets a new job. Wife changes
work shift to match husband’s schedule. Couple makes dates." There are many more possible
solutions.
o Evaluate the ideas carefully. Once you have created a list of ideas, pick the top few that
appeal to each of you. If an acceptable solution is obvious, go on to the next step. If the voting is
not that easy, write down the advantages and limitations of each of these ideas, discuss them in a
positive way and then select one or more to try out. For example, neither husband nor wife
wanted to move or get new jobs but they realized that they could plan their time better to be
together more often so they agreed to the following solution. The wife agreed to adjust her
schedule to do more of her weekend work on Monday and Wednesday evenings while her
husband worked late and he agreed to work late only on those evenings when it was possible.
They both agreed to go out on a date at least once a week even if it was just to get a hamburger.
Loneliness was no longer an issue.
o Plan for success. Our example couple made a schedule and agreed to call each other at
work if they had to change it. If a change was needed, they made up for lost time later. This
avoids disappointment.
o Recommended reading "We Can Work It Out" by Clifford Notarius
PROBLEM SOLVING SUMMARY:
You don't have to let problems run your life. You can take control. See our article on Conflict.
The determined pursuit of understanding will make most problems go away and you can solve the
rest when you take a team approach to solving them together in a positive way. Keep the
problem the problem and keep your relationship a priority. Problems can be an opportunity to
learn and grow together. Talk with each other, learn and grow, and use effective problem solving
methods with a positive, productive approach to life's challenges. This will keep your loving
relationship alive and happy with mutual honesty, kindness, and respect.